Forgiveness is a topic that is not specific to any group or culture, gender, race, class, or generation. None of us is exempt from the repercussions of unforgiveness. We all have been wronged. We have all felt, at one time or another, that desire to close our hearts off to our offender, put up a barrier, build a wall, choose to ignore, refuse to interact, justify our anger, or hold a grudge.

If we are honest with ourselves, most of us will acknowledge that the unforgiveness described above is something we are dealing with at this very moment. Perhaps it isn’t at a conscious level, but can you think of something someone did that just irked you? Does it still get to you even though the time has passed? Do you feel angry when you’re reminded of it? Even the most righteous among us have to make the difficult choice to forgive on an ongoing basis. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could simply decide one day to forgive all of our offenders past, present, and future and be done with it?

But our human nature and our common struggle with bitterness, resentment, and judgment remind us that no one is past the point of growth. We are all tempted. There is no way around it. Allow enough interactions with another person and someone is sure to say or do something hurtful. At that point we have to choose. Bitterness or forgiveness? Stifling the relationship with our judgments, resentments, and bitterness or deepening the relationship with our love, graciousness, and Christ-like forgiveness?

In my mind the most amazing thing about forgiveness is that the person who benefits from forgiveness the most isn’t the offender, but the one who chooses forgiveness. When you can’t enjoy your day because you are filled with rage over what a friend or loved one did yesterday, who is the one in turmoil? Does the scowl on your face and the tension you are experiencing behind closed doors really “show them”? Is your offender truly the one feeling all the weight of your unforgiveness toward them, when it is you who can hardly taste your dinner because you are preoccupied with thoughts of the offense?

Let it go!

Before I get into the “how” of forgiveness, I want to be clear on what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Though many times it includes reconciliation, it does not have to. Sometimes there are people who have wronged us who are simply not safe for us to be around (i.e. abusers, victimizers). We can forgive them and can be freed from the hold of bitterness and resentment and still choose to keep a safe distance. This is not holding on to unforgiveness. This is wisdom. Additionally, forgiveness is not trust. Simply because I have chosen to forgive the thief who broke my car window and stole my laptop, this does not mean I will leave my vehicle unlocked with my laptop laying around for all to see. Nor would I ask him (or her) if I knew their identity to guard my belongings for me while I ran into the store. In fact, it can be entirely appropriate to forgive an offender while also making the brave choice to report them to the authorities.

So, how do we forgive? This is my favorite formula/prayer for forgiveness, but you may adjust as you deem necessary.

In Jesus’s name, I choose to forgive ___________(my offender) for ___________(the offense the committed against me). What they did hurt me and it mattered.

Father God, I ask you to bless ___________(my offender) and not hold their sin against them. Please send your Holy Spirit to heal me of the wound left by this offense. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

Some notes about the above prayer: 1) It is often helpful to pray it aloud. It may be uncomfortable, but pastors and mental health professionals agree that there is power in the spoken word. 2) Praying it once is not usually enough. Sometimes we may forgive someone one day just to have the same offense come into our minds a few days later. Be faithful in forgiving as many times as necessary. You are not doing it wrong just because you find the unforgiveness for a particular offender or offense is still an issue. The roots are deep and forgiveness is a process. 3) We sometimes need to forgive someone for a perceived injustice. This means that we can harbor bitterness toward someone for something that was not a wrongdoing. This could mean that you blame God for some area of your life you are unhappy with or a deceased loved one whom you blame for dying. Just adjust the formula as needed. 4) Do not forget to forgive yourself! You have been with yourself more than with anyone else and as such, you may have much to forgive yourself for. Do not ignore self-hatred as it pertains to unforgiveness.

May God bless you as you begin this lifelong journey of forgiveness!